All the dolls say the China doll has it best.
She lives a perfect life, they know it is blest.
All say with her smile, no one can compete.
She's always so strong, she never sees defeat.
All see her beauty and know her heart is light.
She's always so content, her life is pure delight.
However somethings a China doll cannot share.
Things that other dolls are not aware.
But she can't tell them, they wouldn't care.
Instead she cries softly, "God, why's this my fair?"
While trying to stay grounded and not to despair.
Her life is not perfect, but a struggle every day.
Smiles are feigned, but kept there anyway.
Her strength is waning, she can't keep up the fight.
A heart with few joys, it is heavy, not light.
If they'd look closely, peering behind the fan,
The other dolls would see she's a tearful Raggedy Ann.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
If tomorrow never comes
I was away at my first year of college, 2004 I believe...it was a week before I was coming home for Christmas break...I remember my cellphone rang, it had been sitting on my desk, the screen was orange, Home was calling. It was after 10pm, I was a little worried. "Hello?" "Hi Rebecca...how ya doin..." Normally, that may have subdued my worry, but something was wrong. "...your Grandma died..." My mind reeled. I'm not sure if I said it out loud, but in my mind I asked, "..but she's okay, right?" ....then I choked on the tears that started coming as the reality started to hit....
In the second dream I saw my grandma again, she was in a hospital bed, I was still questioning, "...you're...dead...?" but I was excited and was going to take advantage of seeing her again and went up to visit with her one last time! She was in good spirits and asked to do her favorite thing, "do you want to play a last game of cribbage?" so I got a board and we played on her hospital bed. As dreams are the game was gone and there was something about the pink blanket Mom was making her and then I asked, "Grandma, are you okay where you are?" She just looked at me with that smile, like she was happy but at the same time sad, maybe because she wanted to tell me but couldn't or maybe because she couldn't console my pain... and then it all vanished, but I woke up feeling happy to have seen her and played one last game with her.
The last dream I've ever had of my Grandma I just remember being at a train and then seeing Grandma walk in, didn't know where she was going. I asked, "But you're dead? How, how are you here?" She had this pink blanket that mom had crocheted for her and said, "I was just picking up this blanket, I needed it before I left." She wasn't on the train yet so I hugged her really close and said goodbye and let her go... as she stood on the moving train I was asking "are you okay where you are Grandma?" She just smiled at me like she couldn't tell me with a little sadness then said goodbye and was gone.
After those dreams I've never had another with my grandma in them, but I thank God for the consolation, because, it really felt like I had seen her, I had played one last game with her and that I really did give her a final hug and say goodbye.
I never told anyone about the dreams until after the last, I told my mom. Then Mom said she'd just finished up a novena for Grandma's soul a few days before. ...and I just realized something... I told my Mom the dreams after she'd finished the novena.... the first dream Mom was making a blanket and there was something special about it, the second it was like Grandma was waiting in her hospital bed for something and the last dream was Grandma having the blanket my Mom had lovingly made for her, Grandma couldn't leave without it....
That August before I'd left for college, I was supposed to have gone to see Grandma, but we ended up not going for some petty reason...and somehow I "just knew" that I'd missed my last chance to see my grandma...I remember that I regretted leaving for college without saying goodbye one last time. I may have thought of calling her too, but never did... I guess sometimes God gives us premonitions, it's not just that we're worriers... I felt really bad/guilty/heartbroken for sometime after Grandma died because I'd never gotten to say goodbye. ...some months or a year after Grandma died, I had three dreams about her. Now I don't know that God sent them to relieve the pain in my soul, or if He just allowed that I have random dreams that soothed, but I am thankful for these three.
In my first dream, Grandma came over to our house. I was in total shock seeing her alive, but also excited to see her again, "Hi Grandma!", then I just sat there in my dream thinking and then saying it outloud "but...you're dead...?" she only smiled and kept talking to my mom. She was looking for something it seems, something that Mom had or was making for her, I didn't really know. But I asked her if she was okay, she smiled and the dream ended. When I woke up, I thanked God that I got to see her one last time, even if it were just a dream.
In the second dream I saw my grandma again, she was in a hospital bed, I was still questioning, "...you're...dead...?" but I was excited and was going to take advantage of seeing her again and went up to visit with her one last time! She was in good spirits and asked to do her favorite thing, "do you want to play a last game of cribbage?" so I got a board and we played on her hospital bed. As dreams are the game was gone and there was something about the pink blanket Mom was making her and then I asked, "Grandma, are you okay where you are?" She just looked at me with that smile, like she was happy but at the same time sad, maybe because she wanted to tell me but couldn't or maybe because she couldn't console my pain... and then it all vanished, but I woke up feeling happy to have seen her and played one last game with her.
The last dream I've ever had of my Grandma I just remember being at a train and then seeing Grandma walk in, didn't know where she was going. I asked, "But you're dead? How, how are you here?" She had this pink blanket that mom had crocheted for her and said, "I was just picking up this blanket, I needed it before I left." She wasn't on the train yet so I hugged her really close and said goodbye and let her go... as she stood on the moving train I was asking "are you okay where you are Grandma?" She just smiled at me like she couldn't tell me with a little sadness then said goodbye and was gone.
After those dreams I've never had another with my grandma in them, but I thank God for the consolation, because, it really felt like I had seen her, I had played one last game with her and that I really did give her a final hug and say goodbye.
I never told anyone about the dreams until after the last, I told my mom. Then Mom said she'd just finished up a novena for Grandma's soul a few days before. ...and I just realized something... I told my Mom the dreams after she'd finished the novena.... the first dream Mom was making a blanket and there was something special about it, the second it was like Grandma was waiting in her hospital bed for something and the last dream was Grandma having the blanket my Mom had lovingly made for her, Grandma couldn't leave without it....
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Random Review: The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Just went and saw the new movie Sorcerer's Apprentice. Pretty good show, though I was a little disappointed with it at the same time. Perhaps I was expecting a little more development and a little more action overall? Also, the intro to the show was...cheap. It seemed like the intro to Disney's cartoon Aladdin or something , it was pretty corny. C'mon, it's supposed to be believable, then MAKE it believable. It couldn't be taken very seriously. Not something I was terribly into.
Anyhow, after watching Sorcerer's Apprentice, I was thinking how more and more it seems that many tv series and movies are using magic and mythical creatures in them! Not that I hate all the cool special effects, etc. Fun to watch. ...but the conversation between the father and daughter in Pirates of the Caribbean comes to mind sometimes with all the magic going on. Elizabeth and her father were talking about pirates and the father was saying he wondered of the impact on his daughter from all the pirate talk and she says, "Actually I find it all fascinating!" to which her father replied "Yes, that's what concerns me."
It seems that our generation is becoming more and more captured by the magical world, I myself enjoy watching shows.... But sometimes I stop and think of the conversation between Elizabeth and her father and wonder, "Are we becoming fascinated in that same way?"
Saturday, June 12, 2010
It was a month you weighed heavy on my mind
Cutting my heart deeper an inch at a time.
Perhaps I should have seen it, but I was blind
You were acting your pain out in mime.
But what is a friend? a reflection of pain?
Why did you hurt me, to release some shame?
You should have told me, made it quite plain
I'm here to help, I will not blame.
If you'd but told me I'd caress, I'd pray
If you'd display your struggle just to one
Perhaps you could face your demon and say,
I've won.
Cutting my heart deeper an inch at a time.
Perhaps I should have seen it, but I was blind
You were acting your pain out in mime.
But what is a friend? a reflection of pain?
Why did you hurt me, to release some shame?
You should have told me, made it quite plain
I'm here to help, I will not blame.
If you'd but told me I'd caress, I'd pray
If you'd display your struggle just to one
Perhaps you could face your demon and say,
I've won.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Of Ebony; for Katie
Sorry this post doesn't seem so .... cheery... was just a sudden random thought as I read something a friend wrote...I haven't talked to them since I moved without saying goodbye :-( alas, my fault.
I was just relating this...stupidity I can't take back... to a friend, then it suddenly struck me, we design our own crosses, so to speak:
I designed my own cross:
Loss of friendship heavy as ebony,
Details carved intricately, I can never forget,
Memories glow as a lacquer, brightness burns the eyes.
I want to throw it from me, but then I can't let it go....
And so I carry you always with me, my cross.
I was just relating this...stupidity I can't take back... to a friend, then it suddenly struck me, we design our own crosses, so to speak:
I designed my own cross:
Loss of friendship heavy as ebony,
Details carved intricately, I can never forget,
Memories glow as a lacquer, brightness burns the eyes.
I want to throw it from me, but then I can't let it go....
And so I carry you always with me, my cross.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A Woman
I just started reading the life of Anna-Maria Taigi which mentioned (on only the second page) that she was like another Catherine of Siena, supporting the the pope with her prayers against Emperor Napoleon. It made me stop and think of that phrase one hears once in awhile in history class that behind every great man is a great woman and that behind every evil man is an evil woman.
But then I thought of Catherine and Anna-Maria and then Our Lady and I thought, "In the way of every evil man, God has always placed as his foe a holy woman to protect the Church" and "In every century, there is a holy woman sacrificing her life for the world...in every century, there is a strong woman saint who has saved the world, even if she's gone mostly unseen..."
In all the really frightening and evil times, in every century, I'm sure we can find that there is a great woman that rose to the challenge to sacrifice her life and by prayer and suffering softens God to help the Church, a Pope, a nation, a king to do God's will.
Think about it, the devil (we all think of Satan as a man right :-P ) challenged God, fell from heaven, temped Adam and Eve to sin , God said that his head would be crushed by a woman, Our Lady. When there was a threat to France and the Church, God rose up St Joan of Arc to fight the English (hey, the English had a male ruler! :-D, besides, the English pretty much gave birth to some "great" protestant sects and killed the Church in England it could have taken over half of Europe in error had not Joan rose up and fought back the English helping to end English hold in parts of France, who knows. Not much of a historian, but I did hear that theory brought up once, sounded interesting.
Anyhow, you get my point, we can look back in history and often find a great woman when there was a time of great crisis for the Church who had a hand in saving the Church by some means or influence.
...and even thought it just came upon me all this randomness, I have often thought of how God does seem to make use of a saintly woman when the world seems to be floundering... and then I stop in awe and wonder, "I wonder who/where this great woman saint of today is? There have been saints all along, where are they? are they in convents or just some housewife somewhere giving up her life to God for the world, for our leaders? ..."
There have got to be saint somewhere in this world, right? ...and then something I read that Padre Pio said to a woman once, I think I read it in the Angelus or something, a woman confessed an abortion to him or he just knew, and he said to her "You aborted the bishop who would have saved the Church...." Perhaps that woman then devoted her life to God begging Him to save the Church another way? We may never know...
But it's an interesting thought, God raises up great saints in all centuries, why not ours? Where are ours? Maybe it's a housewife in Brazil, maybe it's some nun tucked away in one of the convents of the world, maybe it's someone we know. Whoever she is, wherever she is, I am in awe of her, I applaud her, I will pray for her.
But then I thought of Catherine and Anna-Maria and then Our Lady and I thought, "In the way of every evil man, God has always placed as his foe a holy woman to protect the Church" and "In every century, there is a holy woman sacrificing her life for the world...in every century, there is a strong woman saint who has saved the world, even if she's gone mostly unseen..."
In all the really frightening and evil times, in every century, I'm sure we can find that there is a great woman that rose to the challenge to sacrifice her life and by prayer and suffering softens God to help the Church, a Pope, a nation, a king to do God's will.
Think about it, the devil (we all think of Satan as a man right :-P ) challenged God, fell from heaven, temped Adam and Eve to sin , God said that his head would be crushed by a woman, Our Lady. When there was a threat to France and the Church, God rose up St Joan of Arc to fight the English (hey, the English had a male ruler! :-D, besides, the English pretty much gave birth to some "great" protestant sects and killed the Church in England it could have taken over half of Europe in error had not Joan rose up and fought back the English helping to end English hold in parts of France, who knows. Not much of a historian, but I did hear that theory brought up once, sounded interesting.
Anyhow, you get my point, we can look back in history and often find a great woman when there was a time of great crisis for the Church who had a hand in saving the Church by some means or influence.
...and even thought it just came upon me all this randomness, I have often thought of how God does seem to make use of a saintly woman when the world seems to be floundering... and then I stop in awe and wonder, "I wonder who/where this great woman saint of today is? There have been saints all along, where are they? are they in convents or just some housewife somewhere giving up her life to God for the world, for our leaders? ..."
There have got to be saint somewhere in this world, right? ...and then something I read that Padre Pio said to a woman once, I think I read it in the Angelus or something, a woman confessed an abortion to him or he just knew, and he said to her "You aborted the bishop who would have saved the Church...." Perhaps that woman then devoted her life to God begging Him to save the Church another way? We may never know...
But it's an interesting thought, God raises up great saints in all centuries, why not ours? Where are ours? Maybe it's a housewife in Brazil, maybe it's some nun tucked away in one of the convents of the world, maybe it's someone we know. Whoever she is, wherever she is, I am in awe of her, I applaud her, I will pray for her.
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